a toast to wanderlust

agg -> I am experiencing what could probably be the worst bout of wanderlust I have ever experienced. Well, wanderlust might be a misnomer (or possibly a euphamism). It's more of a panic-y, need to escape feeling that comes over me whenever I'm stressed, or anxious, and it pretty much always revolves around school. The thing is, I can't seem to figure out if it's me being lazy and avoidant of work, or if it's symptomatic of the fact that I need to be doing something else.
Does that make sense?
Here: I love learning. I am in love with the world, and I want to know and experience (I would argue that knowing and experiencing are more similar that people seem to think of them as) the world as much as I can in my short amount of time here, and it just feels as if I'm so distracted, so stressed out, so worried, that I become apathetic. The idea of apathy is horrific for me. The fact that I'm at Berkeley, with this tremendous opportunity to get involved and start over and really be consumed by something, and I feel like I want to leave is driving me crazy....
I spent 2 years waiting to get here, waiting to feel this free, and I feel trapt again.
I am horrified at the fact that no matter where I go, I can't feel fulfilled. I'm really worried that I'm not going to ever feel at peace. Don't mistake this with complacent, I will never be complacent, but I want to feel like, at the end of the day, I can be happy about who I am, where I'm going, and the work I'm going to do after the sun rises the next day will make a difference, regardless of how small.
(The sun rising. The sun doesn't rise, the earth rotates. Isn't that odd? I know it's a colloquialism, but if you take it seriously enough, Hemingway is a liar...)


sorry for the massive rant. I just make the mistake of reading grad student's blogs, and they seem so... consumed (?) by their studies, so confident in their path that this wave of anxiety hits me like "wow, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, I don't even know why I'm here"
I'm afraid people see that. How can everyone here be so confident?

I know what I like.
I like art
I like dancing
I like understanding, and I'm better at understanding when I'm not stressed out.
I HATE feeling like I'm processing, not learning, and that's what I feel like right now. That's what I feel like.

I like to make art
I sometimes like to read.
I sometimes like to write.
I feel like I can't concentrate.


I typed this ridiculously fast, really stream of conscious.
I might as well tell you about other things.
My mom. ho boy, I know she loves me but she loves me so much she doesn't want to hear when I'm having trouble. She doesn't want to hear when I feel like this, she starts in on her "they make pills for people like you" and I start in on my "mother: I would rather feel everything than feel nothing." It makes me sad that she would rather not listen. She thinks I just say the same thing over and over...
what if I do?

I'm just stressed. and really whiny. I hate how much I complain. I have a nice life. I'm going to one of the best universities in the United States for free, and here I am, typing this shit.

Well, it's 9 oclock, I should probably get cracking on homework :/