so I'm thinking

I should probably go back to seeing somebody. Like a doctor somebody.



like a psychiatrist.

lol





this coming from the girl who would adamently refuse her mother's suggestion to see somebody (I just needed her to know that it had to be on my terms) Medication is something that frightens me (which is not to say it's bad, it's just not something I want to do) and her persistance in shoving it down my throat makes me sad and slightly angered.



but I've been on it for years.



thanks mom.





maybe seeing someone would help me get a handle on my overwhelming desire to flee EVERYTHING.



e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.



It was the last one that pointed out, to my chagrin, that I have a fear of commitment.

It was the most odd moment when I realized she was right, despite trying to get closer to people my whole life I was afraid of commitment in certain aspects of my life.



For instance: I will never have a career.



I think my professor said once that the career is the enemy of life.

I liked that. Even thought he's sort of the department eccentric (which he wears proudly) I dig his zest. he's just this insane cat that spouts the most amazing one liners.



why can't I indulge the multiplicity that I am?

how is that not fucking beautiful? But I find his enthusiasm and his unabashed linking of rhetorical studies to life to be something I've always been looking for in academia. I need the life I live and the things I study to be connected.



This is why I think I should have gone to a technical school.





But anyways, he told us to never have a career, and I think this is something I've felt and believed in for a long time, but was never brave enough to embrace.



I'll make money somehow. Teaching, designing, I'll work my hands to the bone if I have to, serving dishes, cooking, cutting flowers, pulling espresso, smiling my customer loving smile (because, you know, if you do it right, customer service is amazing. I've made many friends working as a barista. *it only works if they acknowledge that you are just as human as they are*)



but I'll do whatever the fuck it takes to make enough to live.

so I can live

with much free time, so I can do what I love

and not feel trapped

reading and playing and creating and trying to make my little patch of the earth a better place.





I'm thinking that after I've graduated, I'll study graphic design. Maybe apply for grad school in education. Maybe just move to new york and be a waitress.

I see myself moving to new york. Or maybe I'll move into San Francisco.

work for some coffee shop in North Beach and pick up my tourist tips.

all this talk has me optimistic... for about 5 seconds.



you see what I mean?



maybe I'll stop constantly fantasizing about being somewhere else.



I've been playing my guitar a lot lately. I learned some new songs this week.

I should be happy, right?







right?