run your lips across your fingers

i never wake up alone.





i'm not complaining, but in a way i am.
I just read something that someone posted somewhere, that they were happy that their lover had decided to put on some music for "this rainy monday morning"

we never listen to music in the morning. or in the evening.
we just let happen.

it's this sense of stagnation, of complacency that makes my ears burn.

my quick fix life-arson tendencies are starting to sound better and better
(and better and better)

I haven't listened to music in a month.





do you ever get the sense you're dying? like, you know what living is, and you're just not doing it?

I compare my life of workschoolworkeatsleep
no conversation, all nothing

to the first time in my life I lived on my own
so fucking scared that I had no time to feel stagnant, for all my panic and fighting to live, make myself ok on my own


I was living. and now I've come down to this. this this this this.


how do I get out? how do I stop my panic attacks of death to feel the panic attacks of life again?

What happened to being so brazen? In reaching towards brazen, I'm tempted towards self destruction now...

so wake up, and press yourself against whatever you find to beautiful and trembling with life.




Yesterday my friend came to see me. She's quitting the mentoring program we're in, she's having a lot of trouble. I wanted to hug her for telling me. For saying that she was ok with me knowing that she wasn't ok, and that somehow it helped her to talk to me.











who should I talk to? (when I can't even open my mouth)